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Gravity Plays Favourites, I Know It 'Cause I Saw.... [November 18, 2008 @ 8:41pm]
The last few weeks have been fantastic.

Never thought I'd feel like this again x
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Well The Blood Has Dried And There Is No Other Way Back... [July 29, 2008 @ 7:08pm]

Just came back from 2 weeks fun in the sun with my exceptionally gorgeous boyfriend.
Had a wicked time and I really couldn't be happier.
Wish circumstances were different and I could gush (ha!) more about how fantastic he really is.

On a much sadder note, whilst I was away my Aunty was taken into hospital where she developed pneumonia and is now in a coma... she has a 40% chance, and I hope i'm not just optomistic when i say I think she'll pull through.

More later, when my head's on better.

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That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win... [June 15, 2008 @ 9:19am]
I'm fed up, and I need to vent this before I go completely insane.
Six months ago I made my choices and broke up with Dave.
And as we have all established, both of us are much better off without eachother.
So why, SIX MONTHS down the line, are things like this?
I knew there would be changes, but I never knew I would have to sacrifice my friends and my social life, and to tell the truth, it's getting me down, beyond all comprehension.

I feel like I lost my best friend to him.
I know she is just being a good friend to him and everything, but every time I think about going out, I just know what will happen, like it always does. And everytime I think about talking to her - and I REALLY need to talk to her - I worry because she has gotten so close to him and weather she wants to hear what I have to say.

I feel like i'm left standing in the corner, just because I have the audacity to have a new boyfriend.
Whilst Dave gives me daggers.
And spends the night talking to all the people I used to call my friends.

I know it's easy to say that I should just go out and see them regardless of him, but I end up feeling so left out, low, and lonely that I have stopped bothering.

I love these people and it cuts me up that no one can see i'm struggling.
I guess they assume I have better things to do than go to the pub because now i'm with Dan. And that's an easy assumption to make 'cause a lot of people go like that in a new relationship.
But really, what happens is, Thursdays roll around, and Danny begs me to go to Hertford because he can see how this is affecting me. So I say i'll go. Then at some point during the day I get so filled with dread at watching the same scene over again like I always do, that I don't go.

The funniest part? Dave changed our status on Facebook to 'used to date, but are still great friends'.

It feels like we got divorced... I got the DVDs and Dave got the friends.
Just because I did the breaking up, doesn't mean that I don't need my friends as much as he does.

If anyone actually reads this I want to make the point that i'm not moaning at or about you, and I guess I understand why this has happened.
The longer it goes on, the more I feel like an outsider. So if i'm not out, please don't think it's because I don't want to see you, or I can't be bothered.
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Well This Is How A Promise Breaks... [March 20, 2008 @ 10:58pm]
An open letter. Every time i see you and how unaffected you are my heart breaks. I want to believe its all a front, that i didnt turn you into this cold person you become when you see me. But everyone tells me how fine you are doing without me and how much fun you are having so i guess its just me that gets this treatment. I understand that what i did will take a lot of forgiving but i know deep down i dont deserve this. I absolutely hate the way you discuss our conversations with people and im left looking bad, just because i have the decency to keep quiet, or the way you pretend that your not doing it and then apologise to me when i call you on it in private, cause you know what you have done is wrong. I gave you space to go out and drink this problem away, but every time you promise to do the same, you turn up. I know it doesnt seem fair to tell you when to go out but i did it for you, to let you do what you needed to. I would love one night out without having to worry about you. It sounds harsh but its true. I find it difficult, even now to forget the (almost) two years we spent together, more for the friendship i lost than anything. And i hurts to look at you and see an empty space where your feelings for me were. I know i broke up with you, and i have no regrets on that front because im happy now, but i could never switch off from caring for you, no matter all the hurtful things you have said to me. Every time we speak, i still hang up the phone in tears, not because i regret things but because for a minute i get a glimpse of the old you but i know that every word of our chat will be relayed to someone else in a way that makes me look like i wont let you move on. I want you to, and i want you to be happy but you have hurt me much more than i have you, that i promise. I still remember you promising to always be my best friend... Unrealistic, i know. But still difficult to forget. This is the first, and last time i will publicly speak about this.
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Back Home, Off The Run.... [October 23, 2007 @ 8:15pm]

'There were moments. MCR came on (the first time I EVER heard them played there)
and I was in the toilet -a bit drunk- and started flapping my arms about and shouting 'OMG KIRSTY', who wasn't actually there
and start running for the door and Kirst starts running in the door as I was running out and she's saying 'OMG GEM'
and we then run out and go 'OMG PEOPLE!' and the people just looked at us. I got a bit mad and choked up and I dunno why.
There was a teary moment but I was so drunk that was only natural.

At kirsty's and just remember lying in bed in the early hours 'kev? bev?' for ages and cracking up.
Oh, and talking about pub aquaintances making a guilty penis floppy or something.

She's away at the moment and I miss her like a crazy, but I found this and it cheered me up no end. Luff you K-bean. xx
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I'm A Thousand Miles Away, Or Maybe In Your Closet... [September 09, 2007 @ 5:30pm]
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You Think That I'm Impressed With Your One Night Stands And Your Contagious Kiss? [August 17, 2007 @ 2:28pm]
And thats about it.
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When People Ask About The Last Time That We Spoke I Let The Stitches Do The Talking 4 The Most Part. [August 10, 2007 @ 7:25pm]
Life has seen better days.

But in totally unrelatedness, 'people throwing themselves at other people is like, the basis of the entire civilisation...' that Rayanne Graff is a clever lady. Fictional or not. X
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So Who Knew Doing Wrong Would Be This Hard, And Who Knew All My Faults Would Haunt Me In The Dark..? [July 21, 2007 @ 8:01pm]
Summer here is over, in a million different ways...
You look like a dream sometimes, but i dont dream these days.

Yesterday the snow fell, by four o'clock it thawed...
And last night, making love to you... Honey it was such a fraud.

Cause you can find yourself a lover,
and you can make yourself a home.
And you can want no other, ever...
But its never too late to be alone.

So everything is settled, or so we do pretend...
From a beautiful beginning, baby... To a muted kind of end.

And our seperate possesions, are shuffled up on shelves...
Like how our fingers lock together when we talk about ourselves...
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This Is Over My Head, But Underneath My Feet... Cause By Tomorrow Morning I'll Have This Thing Beat. [June 26, 2007 @ 2:28am]
Its about half three in the morning and im sitting in bed drinking Lemsip. Why cant i ever just get a cold? Its always the coughing, sore throat, prickly skin, headache, throwing up, stomache ache variety! Guh.
Although i should be pretty proud of myself... In two years i have only had a half day off sick. And that was when i had that food poisening and was literally throwing up parts of my intestines on the hour, every hour. But alas, the rate this is going i may have to make it one-and-a-half days off!
Other than that things have been pretty good. At slimming world i have been loosing more inches than pounds due to excercise, and on friday i bought a size smaller in jeans! AND i wore them all day yesterday AND i kept having to pull them up, cause they are so loose! I thought it might have just been those jeans so i tried on some others... Same thing! Its really pleasing but i honestly dont see much difference myself and that makes me really... Down. And then i convince myselfs the shops are just being more generous with their sizes. Being a woman sucks.
Had some good nights out last week and i really hope i feel well enough to do the same this week.
Hmmm, what else? Oh! Dave and I are going to Disneyland Paris in november for 4 days. I cant wait, we will be staying in a lovely hotel and im overexited about being in such proximity to that much duty-free AND that much Disney! I was supposed to go there in year 10(i think!) but our coach broke down at about 2am at Thurrock Services and thats as far as we got. Shitty coach, shitty school... Never did get my money back!

Oh well, time for me to try and sleep. The irony is that in an hour two of my most favourite people will be getting up to embark on The Early Shift. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
Laters dudes and dudettes. X
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Jump When They Tell Us They Want To See Jumping? Fuck That! I Wanna See Some Fist Pumping... [June 20, 2007 @ 9:56pm]
Tonight was a bit good really. I have my fixed car back and im very happy. Went to see Kirst and took her to a work meal in Hodd, stopped in to see my Dave and then went home. Will phoned and came round so we sat outside and had a chat about life. When things in my sad little world are all over the place its nice to know he will always listen. I dont often say this because his ego really doesnt need any help, but he is one of my best friends and i really do appreciate him and the way he Keeps It Reel.
He is also house trained, has great taste in shoes and a GSOH. Any takers?

In other news, Ohio is for Losers, sorry.
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I Thought I Loved You... But It Was Just How You Looked In The Light... [May 21, 2007 @ 10:32am]
I love you in the same way there's a chapel in a hospital.
One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door...
Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills...
I can write it better than you ever felt it.
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I Thought I Loved You - But It Was Just How You Looked In The Light... [February 20, 2007 @ 11:55pm]
Perfect weekend in many ways. Kokos' on saturday almost didnt happen but im so glad it did. Feel so much happier in a lot of respects due to the people and events of saturday. And i now feel like im doing right by a few important people. Got in bout 8.30am went to sleep. Got up lunchtime, had shower and played Daves ps2. Im getting pretty good at tony hawks now, lol. Later we went to see Music and Lyrics which was surprisingly good, and then we went to something to eat. When we got in we were so tired we went straight to sleep again, lol. But it was the best and most balanced weekend we have had for a while. Stayed in last night, saw dave tonight. Seeing le Kirst tomorrow and going to see Icarus Tide on thursday. Anyone who is not busy should come down to the Square. They are honestly a fantastic band and not just people we know. Anywho im tired and Frank, our very large stuffed beagle toy looks far to comfy to not fall asleep on. Oh! Belated birthday shout out to hannah_honey - hope you feel better soon hon, and the second i get near a real computer i will add your new journal. X
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You Remind Me Of The Times When I Knew Who I Was... [February 15, 2007 @ 9:43am]
So yesterday, in the end, was really nice... I retract all previous statements.
Driving to work in the sun (well, not driving in the sun, i was driving in the car, derr!) i was listening to SOTY and being very happy. Looking forward to having a drink tonight and seeing people. Im really happy that this will be the third time this week i have seen K.

In other news, message for WILLAY... I have no way to get out of work to get credit but i need a word with you asap, so when you get a spare minute could you give me a bell please? Kthnx.

Anywhos, hope everyones having all the fun. Mwah.
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Such A Pretty Picture That You Paint... I'm So Vile, Whilst You're A Saint? [February 14, 2007 @ 10:15am]
So valentines day is just a commercial money maker and means jack shit, right?
Well its a choice between that or sitting here wondering if I mean jack shit to my supposedly madly-in-love-with-me boyfriend.

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Sorry You're Not A Winner... [February 13, 2007 @ 9:11am]
Uh. The last couple of days have been rife (rife i say!) with arguements between Dave and I. Sometimes its me, sometimes its him. And then bang, its like everythings perfect again. Its like we both have split personality disorder (which is not the same as schizophrenia, fyi. I guarantee i spelled that wrong but thats besides the point im eventually getting to. One day.) Yes so its all down to some kind of disorder and not me being a moaning fishwife. Ha ha, fishwife.


But yes, tomorrow is Valentines Day. We have no official plans, but later me and kirst are going valentines shopping. I feel like a motherfucking sellout.
Last night was actually really good. Dave and i went to look at a flat (a flat!!), and ok so we did not actuall go in, but thats not the real point here, is it. I, er... Wrote the phone number down though. Progress. We then went to Hambury Manor to look around (scotland is looking like a no go for anniversary, so we are thinking closer to home). We went pub with Jonny and Kirst, played pool, k and i had two impromptu bottles of wine and got a bit pished. Other people showed up like Crag and ryan etc. Got in about 12. Stayed at daves. Got up at five. Talked to willay for far too long considering it was mostly before six. Six AM. I want to go out and enjoy the sun. Loves to you all. X x
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I Used To Waste My Time Dreaming Of Being Alive (Now I Only Waste It Dreaming Of You...) [January 30, 2007 @ 8:11am]
...Turn Off The Lights, And Turn Off The Shyness, Cause All The Moves Make Up For The Silence.
And Oh, The Way, Your Makeup Stains My Pillowcase, Like I'll Never Be The Same.

About the only thing worth telling atm is that i had to take my brother to a&e on sunday night because his eye had got infected and swollen to tennis ball size and he has been in hospital ever since. He has Orbital Sinitus, whatever the fuck that is. On my way back to daves, i was on the 414 on the dark bit and suddenly this person was in the road 10ft in front of me. I did an emergency stop (luckily it was late and no other bugger was on the road), but i was doing 80 and should of hit this person. So there i am, all but stopped, looking around and theres nothing there. No one at all, for as far as i can see all around me. I didnt hit this person. But i should have. Im getting a bit hysterical now. Theres no one there, but i SAW someone. Not a shadow, not an animal, but a person. And now theres not. I ring the mother and start crying (wtf?) cause half of me is thinking i could have fucking killed someone and the other half of me is wondering if i have lost my mind because this person has disappeared in like a second. I sound mad, but i swear someone was there. Shit, they were so close, i couldnt have been wrong. But i dont know. Im not a loony, i dont see things that arent there, i dont see ghosts or apperitions... But it was a clear night. No rain, mist, fog. I was of sound mind. Wearing my glasses. Full beams on... And it was a god damn person. So i guess i cant explain it.
Just a day in the life, eh? Lol. X
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Paint It Black And Take It Back? Hell No!! [January 15, 2007 @ 7:43pm]
Realise i was a bitch earlier but just to put things straight i have a very valid reason for not liking said person. Not to mention the clear fact that she cant stand me. There. Im done.
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Don't Worry 'Bout Regret Or Guilt, 'Cause I Never Knew Your Name... [January 05, 2007 @ 9:22am]
Happy New Year people.

The last couple of weeks have not been fantastic. First, on crimbo eve morning i blew my tyre on a rogue curb, but i fucked the ball joints too, meaning my car has been out of action since, while i wait for loui loui to get it done. Paid for a new wheel and had to save the money i had on me to get the work done, so i have been in the poor house. Christmas was ok. Boxing day was ok. Worked on wednesday, thurs and friday. New years eve was gonna be excellent, but it didnt quite work out that way. Still a bit irked with the way things turned out. But i ended up with just dave, which i guess could have been a lot worse. Could have been as bad as last year (rye house) or year before (sailsbury, then paul. *shudder*). Ha ha, so i guess i should just accept that me and new year go together like anchovies and bananas. This week at work has been über slow, which doesnt bode well for my pay packet tonight. I have been irritable and 'withdrawn' lately, apparently. Probably just dont like relying on dave for everything this last week. I like my car, my independence... Oh and i cant threaten to walk off when dave would have to drop me home. Lol. Im tired and grumpy, yes. And perpetually cold and knackered but its just early mornings + dark + winter. Im eating properly now though. In all honesty, before christmas i decided i was sick of myself and started not eating. I mean i would have something if i was at daves but it was usually just junky. But i ate practically nothing all day. Then crap when i was at home. First off, it got my immune system low and made me tired. Secondly it didnt achieve the desired effect, as eating in the evening is the worst time, plus eating a small amount of junk has more calories than a full day of balanced meals. So yeah, shitty. But im hoping eating better will make me feel better, even if thats all it does. Erm i think that marks the end of my post. Hope you are all doing well. X
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She Gets All The Good Attention, And I Get Honoured With A Mention... [December 14, 2006 @ 6:37pm]
Ok, heres a post about what you can 'do about it', K, as i cant write a comment back.

I'm unhappy. I have spent weeks... Months... Trying to work out why. But fuck work, fuck relationships, fuck parents, everything. It's cause i have lost you. And you know what? Thats worse than having my heart broken. No, it IS having my heart broken. You dont even know you are doing it. I have apologised over and over for this, hoping to make it better but really its up to you now. I miss my best friend, she was the most amazing person in the world.
Ok, so initially its my fault... I dont see you as much. But just because im not out on the piss too much now, doesnt erase the times and times i have asked if i could see you and you have been busy. Can you even remember the last time you rang me? Or the last text you sent that was not a bulk text to everyone? Thats just little stuff but it matters. Like the stuff you forget. Our conversations, things you said we should do, events we should go to. Its like our conversations are not worth remembering to you. You will dismiss it, saying you 'just forgot', but it hurts. You dont hear me when i say how unhappy i am, but you hone in when i mention that i need your help, and go on the defence. You act like its not your problem, and i guess its not, but all i need is you to respond to my efforts. Make me feel like you want me around. Like monday, i was not gonna go out, i went to see you though. You didnt show up. And tonight. You are going out, but you have ignored my text asking if you are. Is that the way it used to be? You walking in and greeting everyone but me? WHAT DID I DO? I miss you, i love you and i want to make things right. But you dont even think they are wrong. Anyone can see things are not good. But its not all my fault. Listen this time, please. I dont want to be just OK with you, i want GREAT. Like it used to be. X x x x x
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